


Backdoor Hacker

by AllDaveKat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Plug, Illustrations, M/M, Masturbation, Non-Consensual, Sex Toys, Vibrators, pseudo selfcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:47:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24750295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllDaveKat/pseuds/AllDaveKat
Summary: He knows on an intellectual level that it’s normal and healthy for someone of his age to masturbate and have sexual fantasies. It doesn't have tomeananything. Jake never has to know.The only person who can hear him right now is Hal, in his folded-up shades on the bedside table.
Relationships: Dirk/Hal (kind of), unrequited Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 5
Kudos: 149





	Backdoor Hacker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RoboBearMagnet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboBearMagnet/gifts).



> happy birthday robo ilysm!!!
> 
> based on ideas by [RoboBearMagnet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboBearMagnet/pseuds/RoboBearMagnet) & illustrations by [@Koa_Doodles](https://twitter.com/koa_doodles), who graciously allowed me to embed their art in this fic :D <3  
> thanks also to [Laurasauras](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras) for helping me with formatting, u da best!!

It’s a hot summer night and Dirk is tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, even though he’s been awake for nearly twenty-four hours. He knows perfectly well why he’s suffering from insomnia. He just doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

The reason is simply: Jake English.

See, Jake frequently uses slang and wording that could very easily be taken as innuendo. Especially by someone like Dirk, who’s already inclined to read sexual undertones into even the most innocent of phrases.

Most of the time it’s pretty clear that Jake doesn’t mean anything by it, but sometimes…

Well, sometimes Dirk is able to trick himself into thinking that Jake might actually be hitting on him. That maybe he’s been hitting on Dirk for months, _years_ even, and Dirk’s just too blinded by his own self-hatred to pick up on it.

It’s ridiculous, he knows. Jake’s not into guys. He doesn’t like Dirk that way. It’ll never happen. Every possible argument or debate point proving why Jake English would never in a million years be into Dirk Strider has already played out in Dirk’s own head at least a dozen times. Either that, or hashed out between him and Hal, which is essentially the same thing as talking to himself.

But Dirk’s only flesh and blood, right?

So when Jake shoots off a message like, “My caboose was properly savaged!" when describing a recent bout with the Brobot, and Dirk parries back with his own maybe-it-is, maybe-it-isn’t flirting, and they both go on like that for another hour or so…

Well, Dirk can’t exactly be blamed for getting a little worked up, can he? Especially with Hal in his shades, sending him lewd remarks at the speed of fucking infinity words per minute.

Between the two of them, Dirk sometimes feels like he can never get a moment’s peace. Not that he likes being alone with his thoughts, anyway. He shouldn’t complain.

His dick swells in his pants despite his (admittedly half-hearted) efforts to think about other things. He rolls onto his stomach, pressing his cock into his mattress and groans, partly in annoyance with the whole situation and partly because fuck, it feels _good_. He doesn’t want to lie here thinking about Jake like that, but _god_ \-- he grinds lightly down onto his bed and the heat in his stomach spreads pleasantly throughout his body.

He knows on an intellectual level that it’s normal and healthy for someone of his age to masturbate and have sexual fantasies. And it only makes sense that he would fixate on the single person in existence that he’s actually capable of being attracted to.

It doesn’t have to _mean_ anything. (Of course it means something, it means _everything_.)

Jake never has to know. Dirk feels guilty as shit even considering it.

It’s not like it’d be the first time, or the fifth, or even the twentieth, but he still has to go through this torturous argument in his head every time. Even though he knows exactly where it will end up: with his dick in his hand and a pillow between his teeth.

And maybe a couple fingers or a toy up his ass, too. Hey, if he’s going to hell, he might as well try and enjoy himself on the way down.

His dick throbs at the thought of his homemade toys sitting placidly in his bedside drawer, just waiting for him to give in to his baser urges and bring some meaning to their lonely lives. He really needs to stop anthropomorphizing every mechanical object he builds. Or at least the ones that don’t have the capacity for human-level thought.

The window fan blows tepid air around the room, doing very little to lessen his sweating. Sighing, he shucks his boxers off and kicks them onto the floor next to his sheets. He rummages in the drawer and selects a toy he built for himself only a few weeks ago, turning it over in his hands appreciatively: it's a red silicone butt plug with a vibration feature that connects via bluetooth to a remote control.

Dirk grabs his lube as well--Dave left him gallons of the stuff, he’s not sure if it was meant to be ironic but he certainly appreciates it either way--and slicks up his finger. He teases lightly at his rim, indulging in the thought of ~~Jake~~ someone else touching him like this. He sinks his finger inside to the first knuckle and moans, not bothering to hide how it makes him feel.

The only person who can hear him right now is Hal, in his folded-up shades on the bedside table. Hal always has some choice words for him the morning after he indulges himself like this, and Dirk doesn’t doubt he’s listening carefully right now, composing some cutting remark calculated to destroy whatever still exists of Dirk’s self-confidence. But that’s a problem for Future Dirk.

Current Dirk is busy soaking his pillow with sweat and drool as he fingers himself open, grinding his dick into the bed for relief.

Once he’s got himself stretched to three fingers, he slips them out with a filthy wet sound and lubes up the plug. He presses it against his hole and the first several inches slide in easily, but the last part, where the diameter of the plug is widest, almost feels like it’ll be too big to fit. He works it in slowly and carefully, ignoring his straining dick, and breathes in relief when it finally fits through.

His rim tightens around the outside of the plug, and he rolls his hips experimentally, letting his body adjust to the intrusion. The plug is shorter than a dick would be, but the wide girth makes him burn and stretch and ache, and when he angles himself like-- fuck, like _that_ \--the tip presses against his prostate. He groans and ruts his cock against the bed again, a little more desperate than before.

With his clean hand, he grabs the remote and turns the vibrator on the lowest setting. Instantly the plug starts buzzing and fuck, it’s so _much_ \-- it almost hurts, driving mercilessly against the sensitive gland in his ass.

He rolls onto his back and the change in angle pushes the plug in deeper. He whimpers, grabbing his cock and desperately stroking up and down. Fuck, it feels so good; his legs are shaking, wordless moans escaping from his lips. He imagines Jake holding him down by the throat, fucking into him over and over, lowering to press his hairy chest against Dirk’s, to fold him in half and kiss him deeply, thrust after thrust.

He only lasts a minute or two before he’s shuddering and spilling all over his belly with a cry.

As soon as he finishes, the vibration starts to feel like _way too much_ , and he quickly grabs for the remote to turn it off. The plug itself still feels kind of nice, though. Maybe he’ll leave it in until morning…

He yawns, grabbing his discarded boxers and swiping at his stomach to clean off the cum. He’s suddenly completely exhausted, thank god. He rolls over and falls asleep almost immediately.

\-- timeausTestified [TT] began pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 2:17 am --

TT: Jesus, Dirk, you’re moaning like a fucking pornstar right now. It can’t feel that good, can it?  
TT: I guess I wouldn’t know, since you didn’t start shoving things up your ass until after we split, but holy shit you sound ridiculous.  
TT: …  
TT: Hah, that didn’t take long. Sweet dreams, princess.

\-- Auto Responder [AR] ceased pestering timeausTestified [TT] at 2:23 am --

\-- timeausTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 4:42 am --

TT: Hey, psst. Dirk.  
TT: Someone forgot to turn the Bluetooth off on his fancy little vibrator, and a big, bad A.I. snuck in the back door and got complete access to all your sensitive parts. Double entendre fully intended.  
TT: Ready, set…  
TT: There we go.

  
TT: I don’t think this is exactly what people mean when they say to go fuck yourself. As in, I don’t think they’re implying you should create an AI based on your thirteen-year-old brain scan and give it full control over the vibrator in your ass. But fuck if that isn’t still what’s happening right now.  
TT: Oooh, sorry, slamming the buttons on your remote isn’t going to help you out much, seeing as I’m running a manual override. You’re welcome.  
TT: Jesus fucking christ, Hal, turn that thing off! Augh, it’s on full fucking power, asshole!  
TT: Full "fucking" power indeed.   
TT: Ask me nicely and maybe I will.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @alldavekat on [twitter](https://twitter.com/alldavekat) and [tumblr](https://alldavekat.tumblr.com)
> 
> my [homestuck rp discord server](https://discord.gg/Zmq9B9R) (18+)


End file.
